Two-time FIST champion Mikael Johnson analyzes FIST 2015 based on team names

When it comes to picking winners for the Fighting Improv Smackdown Tournament, Mikael Johnson is a reliable source. The two-time FIST winner for Bipolar and Thunderball gave us his predictions about how this year’s tournament will pan out.

We gave Mikael all of the team names before the cast lists were released. Thus, based on team names alone, here are his FIST 2015 predictions… (PS — Get your tickets here!)

• Marthaaa!!!–Too much yelling in every scene, audiences tire soon; 1st Round exit

• Muffin People–Lots of “baking scenes”; they take the stage, audience takes a break; 1st Round exit

• Comedy Clones–Clones of everything that is modern comedy: awkwardness and gutless; maybe 1st Round

• So. Dumb.–They bail before first match

• The East, an Hour Before Sunrise–This sleepy time team puts the audience to bed with their Eastern philosophy comedy. 1st round if we’re all lucky

• Hard Times–Like the Cafe! If you think Chili is hard to digest, sit through 13 mins of this comedy diner slop. 1st Round exit

• Oh, The Humanity!–Oh the cliche. Before taking the stage they all break their legs on the stage curtain. DQ

• Oottat!–Who dis? 1st round Bye–as in beat it. Don’t even show up. 1st Round

• JAC Attack–Aka Circle Jerk aka no one wants to see it. Admin DQ 1st Round

• Neptune’s Ashes–This is an improv tournament, the hipster whispering open mic a la Lilith Fair in a saloon is two blocks up. 1st Round

• The Shop Vac Boys–Like the Pet Shop Boys sans pet, shop and talent. 1st Round

• F’poon–Theses saucy snugglers are all on the sex offender registry. Look ’em up and stay away. 1st Round

• Going to the Movies Alone–Going home alone as well. 1st Round donesky

• Darkly Comic German Opera–This reminds me of a Scanner Darkly–or just the scanner at the grocery store, though less exciting. Can’t wait for fat Gretel to sing on this group. 1st Round

• Freddie Prinze Jr.–This group is the comedy equivalent of Freddie Prinze Sr’s final moment. 1st Round

• Snatch Mouth–If they had any guts, they’d call themselves Pussy Lips. Hopefully they get F’Poon before they make it to the theater. 1st Round

• Interfaith Dental Starship–Somewhere in a parallel universe this group still sucks. 1st Round

• O Brother, Where Art Thou?–In Fargo, meet me out by the wood chipper. 1st Round

• Hallelujah!–We’ll only have to watch one show. Amen. 1st Round

• Franzen’s Freedom–Too much freedom equals too many choices, and not one of them strong. 1st Round

• Not About Your Dog–Not about scene work either. 1st Round.

• Crewman # 6–They die as soon as they enter the stage. 1st Round

• JorTS–If only their play was as cute and clever as their name. 1st Round

• Pumpkin Spice–You thought the drink left a bad after taste, try the show. Not coming back for 2nds. 1st Round

• Trapper Keeper? I Hardly Know Her!–This group is about as fresh as a dinosaur turd. 1st Round

• Kim Jong-Un’s Ointment–This group is about as promising as a North Korean farmers market. 1st Round

• We Are Become One–Good, you can leave as one. 1st Round

• WHODUNIT?!?!–Who cares. 1st Round

• Fundamental Attribution Error–Sounds like IT and just as boring. 1st Round

• You’re Toast!–And you’re feeling good cause you just finished level 3? 1st Round

• Dramatic Improvisational Theatre–Actually can’t wait for this self-important train wreck. 1st Round

• Troupe–Rhymes with poop. 1st Round

• Catholic Gelt–Ready for religiously clever word play? Me neither. 1st Round

• Not a Cult–And not a winner. 1st Round

• Umlaut–Umm whatever. 1st Round

• Your Host For This Evening–Is not you. 1st Round

• Karate Spaceship–This improv group packs a round-house kick at warp speed. Just kidding, that’s impossible, like this group moving on. 1st Round

• Garage Bands–They’re arrogant and undisciplined. They scoff at authority and play by their own rules. So what they do won’t be anything close to improv. DQ after 1st Round

• Babs & the Boys–As grating as Barbara Streisand and as coherent as Barbra Walters. 1st Round

• People Who Shouldn’t Twerk–Or do improv. 1st Round

• Typecast–“Losers” 1st Round

• Have Fun Dying Alone–Have fun dying 1st Round

• Mistress of Chickens–I’m normally up for whores, but not a fowl one. 1st Round

• Best Pizza Ever–Pizza and sex even when bad, still pretty good. Unlike their improv. 1st Round

• TAPE–And their play is as outdated as a cassette. 1st Round

• Clean Shaven President–Will make a clean break from the field of play. 1st Round.

• Excuuuse Me!–Their play is either polite or nervous, either way: 1st Round.

• U+ME=US–This name makes me want to punch improv. 1st Round

• Group Sext–Jesus. Go to a bar. 1st Round

• Narwhal-The ugliest animal does the ugliest improv. 1st Round

• You’re Headliners–Are someone else. 1st Round

• Jock Jamz, Vol. 33–This makes me think of raspberry underwear. 1st Round

• Dame Lyon–Damn shame. 1st Round

• Possum Bomb–Play dead. Stay dead 1st Round

• Hey Zeus–You know where the exit is? 1st Round

• Shin Splint–Feels better than this show 1st Round

• Masterpiece Improv–And a giant piece of crap. 1st Round

• Smarter Than Kittens–Dumber than dogs. 1st Round

• Coachabilities–With no abilities. 1st Round

• Ghosts–Dead before they ever got started. 1st Round

• Rock Creek Ramblers–So was Chandra Levy. 1st Round

• Camera Ready–Not live stage ready. 1st Round

• Divalicious–More obnoxious stock characters please! 1st Round

• NSFW–Nor for audience. 1st Round

• Real Life–Really not interested. 1st Round

• Short and Simple–Bye. 1st Round